hello.

i'm silvia. yes. that's the spelling from now on, i suppose, because where i'm going i can't go with normal spelling.

doesn't matter though.

ok, so i have lots of thoughts going on in my head and its going to explode here, i suppose, for i am very tired of...everything?

well, i have a job, first of all i thought it was awesome, now, its not so great.

i have to force myself to admit, that maybe i'm in love again. first i thought its awesome, that i finally like someone for it was so hard to forget yet another person, but now... its not so great.

i'm just being a decent person and thinking about the happiness of that person (oh, believe me, if you met her, you could't take your eyes off her) and it's hard when your friends are telling you that u r stupid for not doing something to be with them. oh well, i suppose it's because i'm too damn scared to do anything about it and i do not want to ruin our friendship. so yeah, i'm watching mtv's friendzone like hell. ok, i kid, kid.

the other thing, have you noticed how hard it is to be yourself sometimes? how easy it is to hate yourself , but do nothing about it. and that sometimes u just don't wanna do anything or truly put your heart into something that u do or u supposed to be doing to make things better. and how on earth do you make things better? u don't. they just get better or they go worse, most of the time they go worse, because how the hell would u be happy when they get better if they'd go better constantly?

i dream about having iced latte and a cigarette somewhere on the bench in the park on a nice sunny warm, but not too hot day enjoying myself and knowing that there's nothing else i should be doing. wouldn't that be just great? and i can't afford this pleasure. and not because of iced latte or cigarettes prices, no, even though they're going higher and higher, but because i have no time or i have too many plans or other stuff. i pray for the holidays. last year i had amazing time on holidays and i wanted this year to be as much fun, though i can tell now, i'm afraid its not going to be as terific as the last year. oh well.

oh, the other thing i pray for is sheer happiness, haven't had that in a while or so. more than a while. and that's not good, since i am becoming grumpy little bitch, not fascinated by anything. and things that seem to fascinate me are fading, so...

so i keep praying for the summer and for mild summer winds to bring me freedom, rest and sheer happiness and joy.

what are you praying for this late spring, my dear friends?